Truth is defined by the nature of our being. Honesty defines the laws of that nature and is the journey we must take in order to understand truth. Honesty defines how you are, and knowledge of how you are will guide you toward knowing who and what you are.
At the root of all human suffering is the division of man from truth. As a result of separation from truth, the capacity of human understanding requires the use of a vocabulary that divides all our experiences into two categories – good and bad.
Emotions do not exist in the nature of the universe; they are necessary only for our survival outside of it. Humans will challenge the law of nature by trying to control it. Emotions are contrary to honesty and so the key to living honestly is learning how to control our emotions.
When something happens to us that meets our expectations in a welcomed way, then we understand that event as good. When the unwelcomed occurs, then it feels bad to us. The nature of our existence cannot be defined as consisting of good and bad, but instead, the nature of our existence must be defined as simply being.
If a child is running on the sidewalk and falls, he might receive a cut on his knee. The physical pain comes and goes quickly, but the fear caused by the fall and the sight of his blood causes emotional pain that can last a lifetime. The truth of his experience is that his knee was cut and he felt physical pain. While it is true that the fear may cause him to be more cautious in the future, it might also cause him to stop exploring his world with the appropriate amount of physical action necessary to keep him fit.
Many relationships are broken by our difficulty with understanding truth. Words and actions are translated into the dualistic language of emotions. Love and hate, happy and sad, and like and dislike are the words that can confuse and frustrate us. Honesty is the weapon we must use to defeat the emotions that threaten to break our relationships.
Honesty in relationships starts with confidence in our selves. If we have a poor self-image, then we will rely more upon the acceptance of others for validation of our worth. That means a man with low self-esteem will need the constant reassurance of his partner, demonstrated as possessiveness and sometimes, paranoia, to make him feel worthy. The man’s jealousy and constant worrying about his partner leaving him is a clear sign of his emotional dependence on his partner. If the man improves his self-image, he can begin to rely less on feeding his emotional self through the relationship, and honesty can be sought and discovered within the relationship.
When an emotion comes into your heart, look for its root. If you feel anger, what was said or done to you and how did that challenge your image of yourself? Is your anger a defensive action that your ego is taking in order to protest your self-image?
When you are embarrassed, is the root of that embarrassment a challenge to your ego that has made you question your beliefs about who and what you are? If so, then try to see how you are and accept it – this acceptance of how you are is your honesty.
“If you fall down, get up and keep going.”
I ask the children to run a lot in every class. When a student is first beginning the program and he or she falls while running, they will usually look to the parent to see the parent’s reaction. If they see that the parent is watching and looks worried then they cry immediately and will run to the parent. If they don’t see the parent, or if the parent is not watching, then they will stand up and quickly return to running. (The floors are covered with safety mats so there is seldom any real injury that would force the child to stop.)
When I see a child begin to fall, I say, “If you fall down, get up and keep running.” This distracts them and directs them back to the running, avoiding any need for them to stop and experience emotional pain. If I were to go to them and show fear (a natural thing for parents to do when their child falls down), then they would learn that fear is associated with falling. After a few weeks of classes, the students have an honest understanding of the physical pain associated with falling down while running.
Matt Paquinilli is the Executive Director of the non profit Asian Arts Center Taekwondo School in Dayton, Ohio.
