We do not choose to be embarrassed or ridiculed for our mistakes. Children do not choose to be punished for their actions either. Consequences of our poor judgment must be experienced in order for us to learn the parameters of acceptable social behavior and, in order for us to not repeat the same mistakes, we must regulate our behavior through the application of three questions.
The first thing we need to know is were we are. Where we are will determine the socially acceptable set of behaviors we must not breach in order to exist in harmony with our environment and our neighbors. When a child is in school, the set of rules he must follow is different than the set he must follow at home. Even during the school day, he has different rules at recess than he does in the classroom.
After we make ourselves aware of where we are, we must know the rules that define appropriate behavior. If a child knows what they are supposed to be doing, then they can chose to follow the rules or break them. Very few children will intentionally break the rules. Once we are mindful of what we are supposed to be doing, we must then check to see whether or not we are doing it.
If a child is doing what he or she is supposed to, then that child will not be punished. When a child regulates his or her own behavior, then the child has chosen to exercise self-discipline.
The difference between discipline and self-disciple
Discipline is following the rules, and the language of discipline is often harsh and unwelcome. To a child it sounds like this: “Stop talking and sit in your seat.” or “Look at me when I am talking to you.” No one likes being told what to do, especially children.
Self-discipline is applying the rules without being told to, and is the language of praise and recognition. It sounds like this “Joey is sitting quietly in his seat.” or “Thank you for making eye contact with me when I talk to you.” We thrive on recognition and praise.
Using self-regulation, a child is able to choose the praise and recognition of self-discipline over the harsh language of discipline. Adults enjoy praise and recognition as much as children, and self-regulation in adult behavior allows adults to challenge and overcome their weaknesses of character and habit.
Matt Pasquinilli is the Executive Director of the non-profit Asian Arts Center Taekwondo School in Dayton, Ohio. www.aacdayton.com