Communication is the key to a successful relationship, and how we speak to others is how we speak to ourselves. To have good emotional health, we must be able to speak honestly and openly about how we feel, what upsets us, and how we see ourselves.
When we become upset with ourselves, we experience emotional pain. Our subconscious tendency is to run from this pain in order to lessen it. Some examples of ways in which children communicate when upset are baby talk, whining, rapid speech with animated body language, low or soft voice while looking at the ground, the use of a loud, aggressive voice with angry body language, and steadfastly refusing to speak.
Children learn to use communication by following a model presented by their parents. When a child is yelled at, they tend to yell. When a parent uses baby talk to lessen the stress of a disappointed or upset child, then the child will likely use baby talk when stressed. Children are often said to be the mirror of the parent and how a child communicates often presents the clearest image of how the adult communicates.
Repeating inappropriate behavior and mistakes.
The need for straightforward and honest communication in children is demonstrated when a child repeats a mistake or inappropriate behavior over a long period of time. Saying “sorry” often relieves the emotional stress we feel because of our guilt. If I dismiss this guilt too quickly, I may not be able to fully understand what I did and how I can avoid doing the same thing in the future.
When working with a child who repeats the same mistake or unwanted behavior, you can interrupt their apology and redirect her back to her guilt. Saying “don’t say ‘sorry’, just don’t do it again” is a example of how you might redirect a child back to a more mindful state which can allow them to make a conscious effort to change a behavior.
Inability to communicate needs and wants.
When we are unable to voice what we need or want, negative emotions build and stack upon each other, ultimately ruining our relationships. If someone says or does something that hurts or disturbs us, and we can’t express ourselves in a way that empowers us to have control over our own emotions, we can eventually break the relationship.
Children who do not speak when upset or experiencing guilt are avoiding emotional pain. Using breathing technique allows them to reduce emotional pressure, and eye contact opens a channel for them to begin communicating.
Matt Pasquinilli is the Executive Director of the non-profit Asian Arts Center Taekwondo School in Dayton, Ohio. www.aacdayton.com
